I feel like a pumpkin.
That might sound a little weird, but it’s true! I think Jesus has been encouraging this pumpkin feeling though, so let me explain:
This time of year, there’s pumpkins all around, some of them sitting, whole, on steps. Others are carved into jack o’lanterns. As I’ve been walking with Jesus through the last few weeks, I’ve been beginning to feel more like this second type of pumpkin. :)
When we carve pumpkins into jack o’lanterns, first we cut a hole in the top. Then, the scraping starts. In my family, we use metal spoons to scrape away at the inside of the pumpkin - pulling out ugly masses of seeds and strings. We take time scraping the junk out of pumpkins so that when we carve them, there’s a place to put a light inside. We take out the junk so that they don’t rot. Then, we begin to carve. For now, don’t focus on what is being carved into the pumpkin, just remember this - the pumpkin is scraped and cleaned out to make room for the light.
Lately, it feels like my insides are being scraped out. God has been pulling up all kinds of junk in my life that I didn’t realize was there. I’ll give you an idea of what I mean: God has been showing me some sins in my life that I’ve been ignoring. Gossiping has recently hurt me deeply, and He is reminding me of just how much I have contributed to it myself. I went to a retreat for college students and God confronted me with where my motivation for a lot of the things I do has been resting (hint: it hasn’t been very steadily fixed on Jesus). Some recent situations have brought up ongoing hurts and attitudes that began in middle and high school - I didn’t realize how they were still affecting me, and how much of myself had not yet been surrendered to Christ. If you want to hear more, I’d love to tell you about it, but I think this gives you the idea of what God is doing in my heart.
I’ve spent some sweet times with Jesus lately, in tears, because it’s been hurting. It hurts to see all of this junk coming out of my heart. “Jesus, is all that really in there?” It hurts because many of these things I had buried and hidden for a reason (whether I knew it or not), mostly because they were complicated and hurtful for me to think about. It hurts because I’m seeing my brokenness on display - and I haven’t been used to seeing it.
But I’ve decided to keep asking Him to continue pulling the junk out. Why would I ask for that pain? Because, He’s showing me this pumpkin thing. And that if I want to display His glory, His light, then the nasty stuff has to come out. He’s also been teaching me that while He’s doing the scraping, He’s holding me. I like being held by Jesus. It pulls me to love Him even more, and when He’s close enough to scrape me out, I get to see glimpses of His heart.
So, that’s where I’m at. Be a pumpkin. Run to Jesus, and let Him scrape the gross, hidden things out of your heart, so that you can better display Him. Let Him hold you, dear friend, draw near to Him, and don’t be afraid.
“For what we proclaim is not ourselves, but Jesus Christ as Lord, with ourselves as your servants for Jesus’ sake. For God, who said, ‘Let light shine out of darkness,’ has shone in our hearts to give the light of the knowledge of the glory of God in the face of Jesus Christ. But we have this treasure in jars of clay, to show that the surpassing power belongs to God and not to us.” - 2 Corinthians 4:5-7
